We’ve seen every episode of Boy Meets World and like 10 minutes of The Big Bang Theory, so we’re cognizant of the pressure society places on individuals – especially comic enthusiasts – to get intimate. From eluding Jason Voorhees to pleasing volcano-based gods, there are many benefits to refraining from carnal desires. They may not not know the delights of man-flesh, or how the human anatomy feels up close, but virgins should not be derided. They should be celebrated! So, whether you’ve dedicated your life to the blade or just put a down payment on a purity ring made out of pieces of Alderaan, we’ve got you covered with 15 adult comic characters who have “never been kissed.” To reiterate: we are focusing on adult characters.
This is potentially our most Mean Girls listicle ever – at least until we solve the Gordian Knot of OMGDDILYW: The 15 Most Fetch Mean Girls References In Comics – so allow us to clarify: We’re not mocking individuals who have never entered the Thunderdome of Physical Love, rather we are highlighting characters who refrain from romance for a wide variety of reasons, like saving oneself for Lord Poseidon or preventing Gentleman Ghost from touching you. Just like in real life, they all have viable reasons to abstain from the hanky panky.
Understand that when Groot says “I am Groot,” he is being quite literal, as every member of Groot’s Flora colossi species is Groot. As long as a splinter of Groot is properly planted, Groot can grow a new Groot, oftentimes rocking a new visual design. Each Groot splinters off of Groot-Prime, passing down their species’ collective knowledge via photosynthesis. Thus, each Groot is an individual part of the collective Groot, like the Groot exiled from Planet X for accidentally killing another Groot while protecting his squirrel homies.
Groot’s asexual reproduction is better than the alternative, as we can’t imagine anyone interested in reenacting that infamous tree scene from Evil Dead. Cinematic Groot has similar reproductive tendencies; however, as Guardians of The Galaxy director James Gunn notes, Groot’s memories are not inherited, ergo Groot actually did die at the end of the first film.
We know what you’re thinking – Galactus must be huge. Please. As Johnny Storm explains in 2005’s#521 by Mark Waid and Mike Wieringo, Galactus only appears as a gigantic guy in a purple helmet because that is how our feeble minds interpret Galactus’ impossible eldritch dimensions without shutting down. Also, dude is totally a virgin… not counting the Big Bang.
The sole survivor from the planet Taa, the space explorer Galen survives the death of his universe by merging with the living embodiment of sentience, reborn in The Big Bang as Galactus – the five-billion-year-old virgin. Galactus’ Heralds could be thought of as his children, but Galactus reproduces asexually, even creating a horse-faced lady-friend for Beta Ray Bill in retribution for devouring Bill’s home world in 2009’s Beta Ray Bill: Godhunter by Kieron Gillen and Kano. One lady for a planet? Seems fair.
You may think thatwas a pure action movie due to the absence of a romantic subplot, when in reality it was a love story between one man and THE LAW. The Judges of Mega-City 1 are trained to be celibate, and even when they must get “High Ex-y,” like members of the undercover “Wally Squat” unit, the Judges are taught to dislike fornication. Breaking celibacy or fraternizing with other Judges is an retirement-worthy offense, so there’s no way Judge Joseph Dredd is cheating on The Law.
Himself the product of asexual cloning, Judge Dredd has no need for romance or relaxation, just 10 minutes in the sleep machine before he’s back on the streets. For Grud’s sake, when a citizen thanks Dredd with a kiss for saving her life, all Dredd can say is “Unlawful carnal contact with a federal Judge. Six months.”
How do Transformers make love? The first form of transfornication is “Forging,” laid out in IDW’s The Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye #17 by James Roberts and Alex Milne, wherein sparks (a Transformer’s soul) naturally form on geographic “hot spots” on Cybertron, kick-started to life by pulse-waves emanating from Cybertron’s core, Vector Sigma. This robo-embryo is then placed within a protoform incubator, serving as a skeletal chassis. The fetal protoform grows unique traits, typically based on those it has imprinted upon or genetic hard-wiring. So yeah, Devastator’s wrecking balls are purely decorative.
To compensate for diminishing hot spots, there’s “Cold Construction,” where a sliver of a Transformer’s spark is surgically removed, then merged with a pre-constructed robot body – colloquially known as “spark slicing.” Some consider Cold Construction unnatural, however, inciting a Cybertronian apartheid… and we now realizeare essentially robot race wars.
James Gordon Jr. surmises that “King Shark is still a virgin, I think” while tricking/testing his theory with a “pleasure bot” loaded with electricity in 2013’s#20 by Ales Kot and Patrick Zircher. Wait, what was being tested: whether a Man-Shark with a denticle dong would be down to get with a prostibot? Is Gordon doing research for Street Sharks slash-fiction?
Anyway, as King Shark rips apart the pleasure-model, Gordon points out: “Do you see that? He’s crying while chewing. Shark wanted all of it to be true.” Don’t cry, King Shark. We didn’t even know that Sharks could cry… Upon further inspection, sharks can’t cry as they lack lacrimal glands, technically making “can cry the tears of a human” a bonus superpower for King Shark – from a shark’s perspective, at least.
Two ladies take Katar Hol out to dinner in order to thank him for saving their lives in 1990’s Hawkworld #12 by John Ostrander and Graham Nolan. In fact, the ladies both want to thank Katar, simultaneously, saying, “The man who saved my life deserves my gratitude… And we know how to be very grateful.” Though a girl-girl-Hawkperson scene sounds bizarrely hot, Hawkman must decline: “Well, thanks — but I really haven’t sampled anywhere yet and I’d like the first time to be special.”
Hawkman is saving himself for Hawkgirl (no relation), but Katar’s being “uninitiated” only entices his paramours: “Omigod that means he’s totally… clean! You come within an inch of him and I’ll kill!” Haha, gross. Katar explains that religions on Thanagar are based around ancient bird-people giving human women the “cloacal kiss,” somehow justifying Thanagarian eugenics/racism/sexism.
FIN FANG FOOM
The space alien dragon Fin Fang Foom’s uniform consists of gigantic purple biking shorts, despite the fact that there Fin’s “Fang” has no “Foom,” as 2006’s#1 by Warren Ellis and Sturart Immonen reveals. That’s right, according to the book, Fin Fang Foom has “absolutely no genitalia whatsoever!”
Unfortunately, Fin Fang Foom “has been burning with the need to mate since 1956!” expressing his frustrations by trying to get Boom Boom in his pants. To clear things up, Boom Boom is the codename of Tabitha Smith, the kleptomaniac socialite member of Nextwave with explosion powers who the gigantic lizard monster tries to jam down the front of his spanx. Ultimately, Aaron Stack kills Fin Fang Foom by ripping him a new orifice from the inside out; however, the centuries-year-old dragon creature claims that he (it?) died of a broken heart.
VENUS DEE MILO
When her mutant powers kicked in during puberty, Venus Dee Milo explodes, vaporizing her entire family and her corporal form! Professor X builds VDM a special lady-shaped protective suit in the form of see-through lingerie in 2002’s#6 by Peter Milligan and Michael Allred, reminding Dee that despite being made up of pure Kirby Crackle energy, she remains a woman.
Venus elaborates: “He’s been working on a special suit for me. It’ll allow me to do that thing… that thing that most women, when they reach a certain age, think about doing… unless they’ve joined a nunnery.” After coming to terms with the physical manifestion of her repressed feelings, Venus Dee Milo decides to finally put on some protection, consummating her relationship with Mr. Sensitive in X-Statix #8, as Doop approvingly looks on through a keyhole.
“I am a virgin,” declares Adam Chamberlin, the 21-year-old face of the National Virginity Movement in 2006’s American Virgin by Steven T. Seagle and Becky Cloonan. God spoke to Adam, claiming that his girlfriend Cassie, then serving with the Peace Corps in Africa, is the only person Adam is meant to know in the Biblical sense. Despite refraining from even “knowing thyself,” Adam remains human, keeping a secret box of all of the filthy messages written on virginity pledge cards.
When Cassie is murdered by terrorists, however, Adam’s faith wavers: “Why would God let this happen to me?… I mean her.” Adam travels to Africa, claiming it’s to avenge Cassie, even though God begins speaking to Adam via a nudie mag. Essentially a scandalous Book of Job, American Virgin’s God titillates Adam constantly, at one point tormenting him with a sea of topless Christian girls.
Jackie Estacato definitely is no virgin, gaining the supernatural powers of The Darkness at midnight on his 21st birthday while in bed with a blonde model in 2009’s#1 by Garth Ennis and Marc Silvestri. Jackie’s heroic persona of The Darkness, however? Definitely a virgin. See, The Darkness’ power is passed down from father to son, specifically at the point of conception, killing the former host instantly. Jackie decides to abstain from sex altogether, figuring that “no contraceptive is 100% safe,” essentially making Jackie a born again virgin, but, like, with demons.
Jackie is a self-admitted sex addict, now forced to face a sexless existence of super-anti-heroics, or a painful passionate insta-death. Jackie tries to compensate by using his powers to create constructs that play at intimacy, but given his demonic power-set, Jackie’s fantasies typically end like that bathtub scene from The Shining. Not good.
ROGER THE HOMUNCULUS
Born from a jar of blood, herbs and incubated in horse manure, Roger The Homunculus has a super inconvenient handle in the place where his junk should be. After all, when you’re a lonesome alchemist who can’t find anyone to mate with, why should your homunculus get action?
Devoid of romanic distractions, Roger rises through the B.P.R.D., eventually commanding his own squad. When his body is blown apart, however, Roger doesn’t “move on,” due to his lack of a soul. Don’t feel bad, as Johann Kraus entertains visits from Roger’s ghost in B.P.R.D. The Universal Machine by Mike Mignola, John Arcudi and Guy Davis. Roger is happy, albeit with one final request in spite of his lack of manhood: “I… I know I’m not a man. Do you think it’s possible that you could bury what’s left of me in the Earth — like a man?”
Is Awesome Andy, aka The Awesome Android, truly awesome? It’s literally his first name. Is Andy bang-able, though? Debatable. A shapeshifting android designed to emulate the abilities of those around him, Andy absorbs Thor’s worthiness in 2007’s#14 by Dan Slott and Rick Burchett, briefly wielding Mjölnir before joining She-Hulk’s law firm. Now wearing clothing, Andy unconsciously copies Starfox’s seduction powers in She-Hulk #6, causing Andy’s coworker Mallory Book to fall for him. Once Star-Fox’s powers wear off, however, Mallory’s affection fades, believing Andy intentionally seduced her.
Feeling not so awesome, Andy climbs the Empire State Building, stripping down to his modesty diaper and resetting his memory banks before jumping. Fortunately, Andy’s programming kicks in, causing him to grow pigeon wings and fly away. He who makes an awesome shapeshifting automaton out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
After spending a night with the prostitute with a heart of gold, Goldie, a hungover Marv wakes up with her corpse in Frank Miller’s firsttale, “The Hard Goodbye.” Marv makes his mark on Sin City by maliciously murdering Goldie’s murderers, leading to his own demise. Why would Marv sacrifice himself for a high-class hooker he only knew for one night? Well, Marv has only known Goldie: “She was nice to me. She gave me something I didn’t know existed. I wasn’t never even able to buy a woman, the way I look.”
Therefore, whenever Marv appears in Sin City, we’re looking at virginal Conan The Barbarian in a leather duster. When Marv calls Ava “a dame to kill for” in “A Dame to Kill For?” Virgin. When Marv fights flame-throwing frat boys in “Just Another Saturday Night?” Virgin – in one fine looking coat.
OSRIC THE UNTOUCHED
In Red Sonja’s original origins, the goddess Scáthach grants Sonja fighting abilities with the caveat that she cannot sleep with any man, unless he bests Sonja in fair combat. Sounds kinda creepy/assault-y, no? Gail Simone thought so, addressing Sonja’s antiquated origins when Sonja The She-Devil fights Osric The Untouched in 2014’s#10, with art by Walter Geovani. While Sonja was drinking grog and rolling in the hay, Osric mastered the blade, spanking Sonja The Terrible’s pleasant posterior with his pommel. Osric is “The Untouched,” partially because he has never been touched by another sword, but mainly because his “sword” can’t be touched.
Turning down the stinky She-Devil, Osric explains that he took a vow to never give himself to any individual, lest they first defeat him in combat. Sonja’s response? “That is without question the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”
Nearly everycharacter has their sexuality explored: Dr. Manhattan likes macking on a sixteen-year-old Silk Spectre. Nite Owl is impotent unless the masks are on. even gives Ozymandias a girlfriend.
Then there’s Rorschach, the sexually-repressed smelly vigilante son of a prostitute. Rorschach has no romantic interests due in part to the psychosexual nature of crimefighting, like when Rawhide ties Rorschach to a bed while wearing his “face” in Before Watchmen: Rorschach by Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo. Sure, the awkward handshake between Rorschach and Dan has some suspect that Rorschach is a “possible homosexual,” however Rorschach is so emotionally stunted that he can’t handle friendship. Heck, Rorschach gets uncomfortable handling ladies’ undergarments. When Rorschach asks out a kind waitress, she is attacked by a psychopath while waiting on Rorschach, an event which Rorschach deems “The night of my last mistake.”
Can you think of another adult comic book character who has “never been kissed?” Let us know in the comments!
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